Are you ever in one of those awkward situations in which you witness a conversation between friends when they are speaking at complete cross purposes? When out for dinner with friends the other night, I noticed how one friend, Ben* was trying to share a personal story about a family crisis, and our other friend Janice kept interrupting with facts, advice, and why Ben’s decisions were all wrong.
You know when there is that moment where everyone else around the table is thinking “Oh G-d! How is this going to end? This is becoming really unpleasant.”
Because I invited these friends out, I felt like it was OK for me to interrupt. Actually intervene is a better word. “Friends, you are talking at cross-purposes, about completely different things. Ben is sharing something that happened to him and his family and Janice is sharing her professional expertise as it relates to his story. Let’s give room to both in this conversation, but not at the same time.”
It was a simple intervention: naming an awkward dynamic, validating each side, and paving a simple path forward (each person will have their turn!).
It was fascinating what happened next:
1. Janice was able to say that she was interrupting so much because she felt threatened by what Ben was sharing and its impact on her professional field. He’s a writer after all and might write a whole article about his experience.
2. Ben was able to calm Janice’s concerns and shared that he just wanted to share how he felt, without being interrupted.
We all have it in us to have life-affirming conversations in which there is a free exchange of ideas, perspectives, and personal stories. Conversations with friends over dinner, our families, or colleagues can be ones in which curiosity drives our questions and when we feel triggered, we can depend on a level of self-awareness to identify what we need to calm ourselves down.
Sometimes it takes someone from the outside to name a dynamic that is not right and help get it back on track. It is wise for us to think of ourselves as those agents of change who can name dynamics that can derail a relationship and set the relationships right. This month I invite you to be aware of communication gone awry in your families, communities, and workplaces. Naming the dynamic that is not right, is the first step.
Happy summer,
Dasee
*names and circumstances have been changed to protect privacy.
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